University stereotypes: a beginner’s guide

For those going to university after the summer, please take the time to read this useful guide to make your university experience as enjoyable and irritant-free as possible. Below you will find descriptions of six of the most common types of student you may encounter, which should help you spot and, if necessary, avoid them.

Art Students

This lot are easy to pick out, noticeable by their typically tattered jeans, carefully splashed with paint, and continental style Descartes-inspired facial hair. A permanently bored look is set off nicely by numerous piercings. You are most likely to find these types frequenting trendy, arty coffeehouses/bars, clutching a battered paperback, and probably muttering something about ‘post-modern cubism’. Far be it from me to suggest most of them wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between a three-year-old’s paint splashes and an original Pollock.

The Nerd

I must first point out the difference between a ‘nerd’ and a ‘geek’. A ‘geek’ is an extremely intelligent person who in the middle of all their studies, maintains some form of social life. A ‘nerd’, unfortunately, does not. The distinguishing features of the typical nerd will include clothes that appear to have never met with an iron at all, and a baggy T-shirt with a comment like ‘That’s What She Said’ written on it, despite never having come into contact with a member of the opposite sex before. They are often studying engineering. You will seldom see a nerd out in the open as they spend most of their time in their rooms playing video games. However, if you ever were to meet one, they may offer you cash in return for friendship and possibly sex.

House dictators

Possible the most famous and most feared of all the university types and therefore certainly an important one to steer clear of. The trouble with this lot is that they look just like the majority of people, and it is only when you live with them will their true identity come through. University must be an incredibly difficult experience for them; every time someone eats a ginger nut from their packet, fails to put the lid on the orange juice or starts a new bin bag without taking the last one out, it is a source of almost physical pain. And that’s before washing up comes into it.

My old art teacher at high school gave me one piece of advice before I went to university, which I will now pass on to you. He said: “If you meet anyone who puts little stickers with their name on all of their belongings e.g. ‘Sarah’s sugar’, ‘Sarah’s pizza’, ‘Sarah’s used teabag that she is keeping for later’, then avoid them at all costs.” That is the soundest piece of advice I have received to date.